hunger.

[This is part of an e-mail I wrote to a close friend. Just a rant.]
I just finished reading George Muller's biography last week. "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep one's self from being polluted by the world." (James something)
I'm reading a book now (yes, a novel) by Randy Alcorn, "Safely Home". It has stirred me. If you haven't read it, the main idea revolves around the persecuted Church in China. There is one character in the book who goes around smuggling Bibles. He calls himself, "God's donkey" because he carries precious cargo. He said, "Our people [the Chinese] are starving for God's Word. What kind of man would I be if I did not feed the hungry?" This made me cry. For I personally own almost 10 Bibles and have only read through the entire Book once. I do not hunger for it.
And how could I feed others if I myself am not hungry? How selfish...
Now, I am not trying to put myself down, for that is not my motive. My first and foremost desire is to believe that God is worth being hungry for - His Words are worth starving for - His Words are worth feeding to others who are starving.
Now about what is written in James: "...to keep one's self from being polluted by the world." Another character in the book (a Chinese man) talks with an American. He says, "We still have our idols, the demons that have plagued China. And now we have your idols. America's idols. Materialism. Pleasure. Entertainment. Worship of celebrities. Obsession with sex. Food. Fame." .....keeping self from being influenced by the world....
I had to confess to the Lord some of my idols I have carried with me from my comfortable Canadian country. One was pleasure: with food, with being comfortable, with entertainment, with being free to buy many things... None of these things are bad in themselves, but I had realized that they often came before my time with God and even God Himself. But my struggle is this: I am not hungry. I am not hungry. I have everything. Even here, when most things are uncomfortable and I do sacrifice some things, I still have security. I can have almost anything I want when I want it. Therefore, I am not hungry for God's Word, I am not truly thirsty for Him - for I can "fill" myself with so many other things....so comfortably... Sure, there are times when I am passionate for God and learn much with Him and about Him - but the passion needs to be fueled ONLY by Him or it will die down.
I am tired of living for me. I feel so much like the rich young man who said, "Sorry, Jesus, I know you asked me to sell all my possessions and give it to the poor, but how I love my stuff. It's too hard."
This all may sound as though I have become a pessimist, but please don't take it that way. This is why I write to you: I have hope that God will rescue me for the sole purpose of bringing glory to Himself and then to His people who need to be fed. For in my eyes it is impossible for me, a rich Canadian girl, to ever become hungry for God because I am a rich young woman. But "with God ALL things are possible!" Amen? This is what makes me excited - because I believe that God "will give me the desires of my heart" because I am seeking Him and when I "seek Him I will find Him"!
This is my prayer. I desire to be hungry for Him - for His glory, for feeding His sheep.
I also have a selfish prayer: I desire to live in China someday with the Christians that are being persecuted. This is an ignorant prayer, perhaps also a bit childish, but the Lord knows my heart. Or perhaps my prayer will change and I will desire to live with the sick and dying Canadians who, like me, try and fix their lives and fill themselves with poisonous idols.

Just a rant from my heart.